An 8 ball and the return of confidence

328My daughter got in the car with a knock off magic 8 ball she picked out with her ‘good behavior’ tickets from 1st grade.  Even though it was blue and had the word Fujifilm printed on the side, I was immediately brought back to the questions I would ask the 8 ball as a young romanticizing girl.

She asked me what my questions were and my mind instantly went to, “does such and such like me- no, does he LOVE me… Will I get married… will I be rich…” Then I realized I was of the age where these things should have happened already.

But in that realization, I discovered that life has fluidity for some people. The answers, for me, are yes. But then they are no. And with each yes and each change of a yes, I have become this amazingly resilient woman. I have become so dependent on myself that a change in the answer can not change me. It just changes the routine that the ‘me’ at the time was in.

But I also realized something else. That there was a small lady in the backseat anticipating my question to the knock off blue 8 ball and my questions must be poignant, must show the fluidity of life. However all I could think of was, “Does Meriwether behave in school?” Reluctantly (which perhaps gave me the answer I was seeking before the knock off 8 ball could be shaken) she repeated my question and shook the knock off. “Outlook not so good.” “Ah,” I said, “so you don’t behave in school.” “This thing is dumb,” she says, “it only knew that I was going to be a princess and have lots of money.” “How do you determine when it’s right,” I ask. “Because I want to be a princess and I want to buy a castle with all the money that i know I want.”

And then I realized something else. At some point as an adult, I stopped believing things would be so because I wanted or felt them to be. I envy the matter of fact lifestyle my kid lives in. She will become something because that’s what she wants. What a great person to turn myself back into. To become this more confident and determined woman because a 7 year old is showing me how to be that again.

And as I’m having this great revelation, I hear in the backseat, “Does my mom behave at work?”

Then at the end of a slew of questions that followed each other, she responds to the knock off, “man, this thing never runs out of batteries.”


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